I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
