woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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