Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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