I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
