I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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