So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
