Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
