He disabled his match.com account in front of me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
