He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize