you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize