I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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