Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
