Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
