i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
