you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
