Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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