I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
