I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
