You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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