Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
