she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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