So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
