epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
