I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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