he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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