I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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