Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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