I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Come see our sink grown plant.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
