hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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