I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
