Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
