he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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