It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
