if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
