He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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