Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I need moral support for this bender
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
