he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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