Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
