Im at strip club and am horny
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
