my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
