I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
