So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
