Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
