Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
