You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
