Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
