Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
