Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
