you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
