Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
