U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
