please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
