Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
