hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
