yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
