it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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