You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
