We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
