Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize