I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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