never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
